LIVE.LOVE.LAUGH.

I cannot keep track anymore of how many times I was asked what I want for Christmas this year. My answer: I don’t know. I just don’t know. It never occur to me what I want this year. Last year, it was pretty easy. I fell in love with the perfect pair of shoes, cried over them until I finally got them. This year, my mom already bought me the pair I wanted, my fuschia Charles and Keith stilletos and a perfect magenta dress from People are People to match my lovely shoes. I’m pretty materialistic, I know but believe me when I love something, I love something. I rarely fall in love with stuff like that. I got them. Now I cannot think of anything I would want this Christmas.

Oh! I suddenly thought of something after days of thinking about it. I want to have this new book by Paulo Coehlo entitled Aleph. I collect Paulo Coehlo books. I already have a few at home, I love his inspiring works. Lately also I have been finding time to read and relax. I would appreciate this book this Christmas. That’s pretty much a want.

Then I actually thought of something I need. My earphones for my iPod, not working anymore. I’ll always ask permission from my brother if I could borrow his. I went back to jogging and I am planning to join a fun run in less than a month. I need to get back to workout. I would really need those earphones soon.

Those two things, pretty much not a Christmas list. But what else could I ask for? I mean, my family’s pretty healthy except for my dad’s diabetes but he has been controlling his food intake and he looks pretty healthy to me. My mom is not stressing over a lot lately which is good for her and we’re keeping track of her condition. My brother is really really healthy but with work overload, his resistance is declining but at least no one is really ill if you know what I mean. Financially, well my dad is not lucky with projects right now but I am hoping this coming year will be lucky for him. Good thing my mom is still working and in a stable company and my brother is very generous even in simple ways like he treats us when he receives his salary. Pretty much have everything under control and everything I could wish for my family this year.

Then a very close friend gave me an idea. How about list down the things that you would give away this year…that’s a pretty good one actually. At first I got confused, whether I would be giving up something I want this year or list down what I will give as presents this year. Either way it’s something that would be selfless, something that I would work for, something that could make even just a little change for me. I don’t know yet what I will give up AND what I plan to give the people I do care about this year. One thing’s for sure, at least I’ll be thinking about something that is worthwhile from this moment on.

This one’s a different kind of checklist. I got this from a friend of mine who is happily committed with a surprisingly sweet and amazing guy who got everything in the list, without knowing there was a checklist, before the girl agrees to be his girlfriend. What was on the list? Three things: a hug from behind, a bouquet with yellow flowers and be brought in this spot in the Ateneo HS to get a view of the Marikina area.

The guy didn’t know there was even a list but because of fate I guess, what people call destiny, I don’t know what to call it, the guy did everything on that list!

The hug from behind: it was the celebration of the 4-peat championship of the Ateneo UAAP basketball team. Bonfire, the guy decided to actually ask my friend to be his girlfriend already but she did not say anything since the things on the checklist were not yet performed. The guy was completely okay with it and hugged her from behind.

The bouquet and the view: the two were supposed to go out. The guy asked the girl to go with him to Moro because he left something there. He told the girl that she cannot enter because she’s not a member. When the guy came out, he was bringing a bouquet of flowers with yellow flowers and he brought her to the spot that she wanted from the start. There the guy asked again if she was ready to be his girlfriend…they already celebrated a month of being together.

This will be interesting. Having a checklist of my own but I’m not going to post the list here and there’s no way I am writing it in my journal because he could see both. I have my three things set in mind, hopefully he accomplishes everything…

I feel like I’m happy. I mean, I think I am. Just that, I can’t help but feel that I am not as happy as I used to be like in my previous relationship. By now, I should be this “kilig” every second that we’re texting. I couldn’t wait for him to text back and see him, stuff like that. I cannot help but compare the past and the present.

Now it makes me think if everything is really happening at the right time with the right person. If so, why am I not as happy as I want to be with him? It sucks to feel this way ‘cause I can see how happy he is with me. I can’t even sometimes take how cheesy he is when he is with me. He’s offers me the kind of relationship that I want, the smooth-sailing one but now that I have everything I wanted, why am I not enjoying any of it.

It’s like I am counting the days, weeks and months that we’re together. It has been a month actually since we started dating but I feel like things are happening so slow and that I don’t know how things will be months from now. It’s different when you say that you don’t see the future because you are living the present. This one, I don’t see anything yet (that’s what I would like to think) because we’re taking things slow which is how I really want things to be, but I cannot help but think that something’s just not right.

…or maybe that’s just me saying those things because I am a bit afraid to enter another relationship when I found myself dying over my previous one.